Listen to ME

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Drop everything right now and listen to me! I have something to say that’s more important than whatever you’re doing or saying.

Rude, right? Were you annoyed with me for a moment? (Maybe you still are.)

That is essentially what we’re saying when we interrupt someone. Most of the time we really aren’t thinking that way, but that’s what interruptions communicate.

Has someone ever interrupted you? Frustrating, right? It can make you feel trampled or that what you had to say wasn’t important. I know some people who want to be the one to share stories or news, and even if I begin talking first, they have to jump in. Grrr. If someone is a habitual interrupter, I’m not eager to spend time with them. (Or I tend to talk faster, so I have a chance to finish my thought before being cut off.)

Have you ever interrupted someone? I’m not a loud person, but I know I’ve still been guilty of interrupting. Ugh. I’m not sure why it happens. Maybe someone is stumbling around and I think I know where the speaker is going and that I can get there faster. Or maybe I get so caught up in the thought bubbling around in my head that I stop listening and start talking instead. Whatever the reason, it’s selfish and condescending, so I don’t want it to become a habit.

Here are 7 ways to avoid interrupting:

  1. Catch yourself in the act. Stop yourself and apologize.
  2. Post reminders to let others finish talking at your table, desk, and on your phone.
  3. Ask friends and family to let you know when you cut them off.
  4. Write down what you want to say if you’re afraid you’ll forget before your turn to talk. (Only in situations where this doesn’t appear rude.)
  5. Force yourself to listen without thinking about a response.
  6. Recall times when others have interrupted you, and think about how it felt.
  7. Reward yourself when you go a day without interrupting people.

Now feel free to continue what you were doing before I so rudely interrupted you.

Body Language Blunders

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I crossed my arms and started rubbing them, trying to calm the goose bumps sprouting on my skin. If my jaws weren’t clamped tight they probably would have been chattering. A sweater would have been smart. And a coat. And a blanket. They should not let men in thick suits set the thermostat.

I tried to smile at the speaker, but guessed that it looked more like a grimace. My shoulder muscles tightened as I shivered. I pulled out my phone to check the time. Another hour until I could escape to my car and crank up the heat. I sighed. I’d looked forward to this conference, but I was too cold to focus.

Time crept by. After more periodic glances at my phone, I was relieved to hear the speaker make closing statements. I gathered my belongings and made a dash for the door.

“Tami, wait up!”

Drat. My heater would have to wait. I turned and plastered a smile on my face. “Hey. I’m glad you made it.”

“Me too. I wound up taking quite a few notes. Maybe you’ll enjoy the speaker more next time. Some people say you have to get used to his style.”

“What?” I rubbed my arms again. “The speaker was fine.”

“Oh. Well, it looked like you weren’t a fan. So will I see you tomorrow?”

“You bet.” I hustled to my car and waited impatiently for the heater to begin spurting warm air so I could thaw. My mind began replaying the conference, trying to find how I had given off the wrong vibe. My heart sank. In my struggle to endure the cold, I’d allowed my body language to send the wrong signals.

Here are 7 types of attentive body language that I will be careful to use in the future.

  1. Face the speaker
  2. Turn off technology
  3. Maintain eye contact
  4. Lean forward
  5. Keep arms uncrossed
  6. Smile or mirror the speaker’s facial expressions to show sympathy and empathy
  7. Nod occasionally

For the next conference, maybe I really will bring a blanket. I have a feeling the person setting the thermostat wasn’t attentive to my body language.

Listening & Deflated Bread

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My pumpkin bread recipe has fingerprints and batter splatters on it from years and years of use. I nearly have it memorized. But I have learned I can’t actively listen to someone and bake the sweat treat at the same time.

My guests often request pumpkin bread for breakfast, so during my brother-in-law’s most recent visit, I began measuring the flour and spices.  He chatted away, sitting on a bar stool in the kitchen. I contributed to the conversation and gave him as much eye contact as I could manage while stirring.

When I pulled the baked bread out of the oven, it resembled a deflated football. I scanned the recipe and realized I had forgotten the eggs. Ugh! I have since learned that my tired brain does better when I give people my undivided attention. I know this isn’t always possible because we have to cram so much into each day. Mom’s in particular have to become expert multi-taskers. But make every effort to truly focus on the speaker. It strengthens relationships because we are showing friends and family that we value what they are saying. (And because we don’t have to serve them pathetic-looking pumpkin bread.)

Here are 7 Ways to give your undivided attention:

  1. Put the devices away. Turn your phone face-down or in your pocket so you aren’t tempted to look at it. Close your laptop or turn away from your computer.
  2. Don’t multi-task. The long “to do” list can usually wait.
  3. Face the person who is speaking. It makes them feel important and helps you stay focused.
  4. Control your hands. Avoid doodling, playing with your hair, or fidgeting.
  5. Listen before speaking. Absorb what is being said instead of thinking about what you will say.
  6. Avoid interruptions. Silence your phone—including email and text alerts.
  7. Control your mind. Keep it from drifting to future plans or past events.

Just Listen

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I stopped mid-sentence.

Was he even listening to me? His eyes were scrolling text messages on his phone, and he didn’t seem to notice that my mouth was now clamped shut. I’d been in the middle of answering his question for crying out loud.

I scowled and began talking again. “So I decided to take a month off work to hitch-hike and swim until I reached Australia so I could finally find a blue-ringed octopus for Hannah though if it bit me I’d be paralyzed for the rest of the day but that would give me time to think about my next book and give you time to paint the house a bright pink. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“And when I get back I thought I’d finally get Cheyenne a Siberian Husky friend and put you in charge of training it and then we’d start having spinach every night because I know how much you love eating it—”

He looked up suddenly. “What was that?”

Ever been there? I hate to admit it, but I’ve also been the one who wasn’t truly listening. I’m currently trying to work on being an active listener.

Last week I shared a “Personal Inventory” list of questions to trigger more communication with family members. Hopefully conversation is flowing with your loved ones. Here are some active listening skills we can use to keep it going.

  1. Give your undivided attention
  2. Use attentive body language
  3. Avoid interrupting
  4. Give verbal reinforcement
  5. Ask questions for clarification
  6. Reflect by paraphrasing or summarizing
  7. Respond respectfully

I’ll dig into each of these skills deeper in the weeks to come. I need to stop for now as my daughter is talking to me and I need to follow my own advice by actively listening.

Family Discussion

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“How was school?”
“Okay.”
“What did you do?”
“Nothing.”
“Anything interesting happen?”
“Not really.”

Have you ever had discussions with your child that resembled this one? Now that my kids are teens, I sometimes feel like I need pliers to get more out of them. There are days where they talk…and talk…and talk, but recently we hit a drought. I decided we needed help instigating discussion.

During the last three-day weekend, I gave each member of my family a two-page “Personal Inventory” questionnaire. I told them they could work on it when it worked best for them, but we would discuss it that evening. I was pleasantly surprised my family complied without complaint. I curled up under the covers with some hot tea and completed my own homework assignment.

Later that night, we had a deep, three-hour bonding time that gave me helpful insight. The only criticism was that there were too many questions. I condensed the inventory into one page and will now share it with you. Hopefully it will lead you into a deep conversation with your family. Feel free to tweak and customize it as needed.

Week 29–PERSONAL INVENTORY short version

Patience–A Poem

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fog pic

PATIENCE
©Tami Brumbaugh

Still waiting.
How long has it been?
I’m restless,
Longing for resolution.
Trapped on a vague journey
With the Road stretching endlessly before me
More of the same behind.
Patience.
I need it, but the unknown
Seeps like fog over the windows
Obscuring my view.
I fidget, trying to make sense of it all.
My sleeve swipes the glass,
But still the future is unclear.
Why doesn’t the map direct my way?
Where is the crisp British voice
Mispronouncing street names,
But telling me turns to make.
I inspect my rearview mirror.
It’s exploding with past expectations and errors,
And can’t be adjusted.
The future and past swirl,
Forcing bouts of car-sickness.
Patience.
I should display it, but instead
I hoist myself into the driver’s seat
And accelerate
Hoping to reach my destination more rapidly.
The scenery barely changes
Mile markers show time passing
But I’m no closer to my goal.
No more.
I yank on the wheel
And jab random buttons on the dashboard.
The car careens through detours and wrong turns and plunges into a ditch.
You let me rant and flail my arms
Until exhausted I crawl back into the passenger side
And buckle the seat belt.
Bruised.
Exhausted.
With skilled hands You guide the car back onto the Road.
No reprimands.
No truckload of guilt.
I wait hopefully,
Curious to see where You drive.
I tighten the seat belt to restrain my arms
So I can focus on enjoying You and the ride.
Your deep, quiet voice
Soothes my soul.
Have you been talking all along?
The side windows clear,
Revealing other drivers,
Pedestrians strolling on sidewalks,
Maple branches swaying,
Clouds drifting in pastel-painted skies.
Resolution will come in time.
Until then I will trust.
I will lean back in my seat and practice
Patience.

Promoting Patience

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patience-cooking-pic

Often just telling kids what we want them to learn goes in one ear and out the other. (Let’s be honest—it sometimes works that way for adults too—at least it does for me.) So here are a couple of helpful ways to get the patience concept stuck in the minds of our children.

Have your children bake a dessert with you. This activity opens up all sorts of patience discussion opportunities. If you choose to bake something with fruit (like an apple pie), you can talk about having to wait for fruit to ripen and what it tastes like if you are impatient and pick it too early. If your kids are not fans of desserts with fruit, then try baking cookies or something else they love. The idea is to create something they really want that requires steps to make and time to cook.

While your child helps you measure and mix, you can ask questions relating to patience. Why should we take the time to find the correct measuring cups or spoons? Why do we need to mix the batter or dough as long as we are told? What would happen if we didn’t wait for the oven to preheat?

Pull up chairs in front of the oven and turn on the oven’s light. Watch the dessert bake (unless it is a pie or dessert that takes far too long) and sing the chorus of the patience song I mentioned several blogs ago. (Here’s the link to the song if you need it.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kn6Z2Mop5I )

Discuss what would happen if we grew impatient and pulled out the dessert before the timer went off. Be sure to mention that if we are impatient and get frustrated while something bakes, it does not speed up the baking process. Tie your questions and discussion to your child’s life.

Another tool for teaching patience is a book I wrote several years ago when my kids were curious about the exoskeletons they found clinging to trees. After doing research, I learned that the exoskeletons belonged to the magi cicadas, which burrow underground for seventeen years. I knew they were perfect for a book about patience. You can find it on my website (www.TamiBrumbaugh.com ) or Buy it on Amazon.Paeshunt_sm

Description:  Burrow underground for seventeen years? A cicada named Paeshunt rejects the notion. He has the world to explore and bugs to see, and he wants to do it now. Several narrow escapes force him to examine his impulsive plan. With the help of his friends, he learns that life is much safer and sweeter when he is patient.

What About MY Life Plan?

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gods-plan-pic

Waiting for major life events has always been a challenge for me. I am a planner, and when life doesn’t stick to my plan’s schedule, I struggle to find patience.

My life plan began well. I graduated from college, got married, and began my teaching career on schedule. The next step was to have my first child born in March of my fifth year of teaching, so that I could use the sick days I had accumulated (I never used a sick day up to that point) and then stay home to be a full time mom. I wanted to have one or two more kids soon afterwards.

But my life’s train jumped the track. Years of waiting, doctor visits, miscarriage, and heartbreak finally resulted in two beautiful kids. They arrived off schedule with unplanned detours. And while there are many painful days I do not care to relive, I look back and see that God used that time to help me grow.

Many years later, my life is taking another unexpected detour. The twists and turns I’ve struggled through lately have been confusing and exhausting. My patience is being stretched and I find myself questioning my God who has proved Himself over and over.

But who am I to think I had achieved patience mastery and no longer need to go through times of growth? My roots need to go deeper and my branches need to stretch higher. I think I need to know everything that is going on, but I don’t. I need patience. I need to trust God and prove that trust by refusing to worry. James 1:4 says, “Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

So I give my hopes and dreams to God, trusting that His ways and timing are better than my own. This is not easy, and I will need scripture to help me keep my hands off. Proverbs 16:9 says, “A man’s mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure.” A favorite verse of mine is Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.” Another verse I will cling to is Habbukuk (yes, Habbukuk) 2:3. “But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!”

Here is to being patient with life events in the New Year! Work out what You will, when You will, God. I will wait on You.

How to Develop Patience for the Long Haul

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Life has a way of forcing us to be more patient. Sometimes it’s through minor things like long lines in a store or heavy traffic. Sometimes it’s through major events like waiting for the right job to open up or health to improve. Waiting for major life events is when my impatience beast goes on a rampage. Rarely does everything come when we want it.

Sometimes life lessons aren’t enough and we are still impatient. Eknath Easwaran said, “Patience can’t be acquired overnight. It is just like building up a muscle. Every day you need to work on it.” Here are seven ways to help build patience.

  1. Identify Triggers. Question why you are feeling impatient about a situation or a person and what triggered those feelings.
  2. Slow Down. When you find yourself unable to wait for things to take their natural course, take a few deep breaths before you act or make a move.
  3. Practice Delayed Gratification. When eating or shopping, stop and think about whether you really need that dessert or another pair of shoes.
  4. Make Patience your Goal for the Day. Concentrate on living in the moment and taking your time for an entire day. Evaluate whether your choices benefitted from the extra time and thought invested.
  5. Think Before you Speak. Pause and think about what you want to say instead of blurting out the first thing that pops into your head.
  6. Loosen Up. When you find yourself in a situation that tries your patience, perform a quick body check to see if there are areas that are tight and tense. Try to relax or message out the tension.
  7. Be Patient with Yourself. Don’t expect immediate results. Understand that developing patience is a process and you are taking steps in the right direction.

7 Patience for the Moment Tips

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In our autism classroom, we have an average of six pages of individualized programming for each student to complete each day. It’s a rigorous program that yields life-changing results. We give the students short breaks with activities they may select. That sounds fair, right?

Sometimes the kids don’t want to work and they make sure we know it. Oh my. We’ve had some world-class tantrums. Our patience is stretched on a regular basis. Here are some tips that I’ve tested in the trenches that can help in almost any situation life throws at you.

  1. Call it out. Recognize your impatience for what it is. That sense of agitation bubbling deep in your stomach needs a name so you can deal with it before it grows.
  2. Breathe Deep. Take a deep breath, hold it five seconds, and exhale slowly. Do this at least three times, giving your frustration a chance to melt.
  3. Count to 10. Stop and count to 10 slowly (out loud or in your head). This gives you time for the initial impulse to do something reckless to lessen.
  4. Get Perspective. Something small might appear huge in the moment. Evaluate the situation to see if it will really have an impact in the long run.
  5. Laugh. Sometimes your frustrating situation is so ridiculous you just have to laugh about it and shake it off. It might make a good story some day.
  6. Empathize. Did someone really mean to irritate you? If so, why? Try reacting with understanding.
  7. Take a Time Out. If all else fails, take a break from the situation, even if it is only for a few minutes. Walk away and give yourself time to calm down and plan your words or actions.