No Wonder Patience is Hard

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Tortoise and hare

During my music teacher years, one of the musicals my students performed was called “Bebop with Aesop.” We sang about and enacted many of Aesop’s fables, but the story most people recognized was about the tortoise and the hare. The cocky hare challenges the tortoise to a race, but after a spurt of energy, falls asleep. In the end the constant plodding of the tortoise helps it cross the finish line first. Sound familiar?

The pace of our world keeps increasing. We seem to be forced into the harried hare role, racing against the clock and our competitors. We scramble and rush through our days, barely taking time to breathe, let alone notice or enjoy our surroundings. We are burdened with the pressure to do great things and advance our materialistic culture.

Instant gratification is our society’s selling point. We want high- speed internet. Fast food. Instant mashed potatoes.  Why spend days reading a book when we can watch the movie version in just over an hour? Drive? I would much rather fly. We get it, use it, and throw it away. It’s no wonder we have a hard time developing patience.

In Aesop’s story, the tortoise is the one who wins the race. He wasn’t fast or flashy. He just had patience. With patience and persistence you can achieve almost anything.

Being a hare for so long has worn me out. I want to try to experience life as a tortoise.

I will still have to meet the demands of life. I can’t ditch my job or toss out my responsibilities as a mom or wife. I still have goals to reach and dreams to fulfill. My phase of life will keep me constantly moving, but I want to go at a more natural pace. I want to be patient with myself and others, enjoying the journey.

Forgive me if I occasionally tell you “no”. I can’t do it all. Feel free to tell me “no” when needed in return. Be patient with me if I don’t complete a non-urgent request the very same day. I will be patient with your time table as well. Everything doesn’t have to be done instantly. If I write a little each day, that book will be completed. If I practice a bit as often as I can, that skill will be learned.

What good are we if we push so hard, we can’t finish the race? I’m giving myself permission to breathe and enjoy. Society can race by if it must, but as for me, there are times when I need to be the tortoise. You are welcome to join me on the (slightly slower) journey.

7 Patience Benefits

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music-machine-pic

The first thing that pops into my head when I hear someone mention “patience” is a song I learned as a little kid. It was on the “Music Machine” record (yes—a record) and featured Herbert the Snail. Maybe you learned it, too.

patience-herbert-the-snail-picBe patient, be patient
Don’t be in such a hurry
When you get impatient
You only start to worry.
Remember, remember
That God is patient, too
And think of all the times
When others have to wait for you.

Many songs have come and go, but this one stuck with me all of these years. I taught it to my own kids, and to many students when I was a preschool teacher. There are certainly many benefits in developing patience. Here are my top seven:

  1. Reduces Stress and Increases Happiness. When you practice patience you are more in control of your emotions and in a better position to deal with difficult situations.
  2. Helps You Meet Goals. Anything worthwhile requires time and effort. Patience helps you keep striving toward your goal.
  3. Results in better decision-making. The chances of making a big mistake lessen with patience because you take time to see the big picture and weigh the pros and cons.
  4. Gives You a Social Advantage. While others explode and cause a scene, patience allows you to remain cool and calm.
  5. Helps develop empathy and compassion.Patience allows you time to process what others are going through and think about how to help them.
  6. Changes your perspective. Patience helps you see trials as ways to grow instead of just useless pain. You’re building mental muscle.
  7. Changes the world. Modeling patience has potential to create a new generation of patient people. Imagine a world where we don’t attack each other over insignificant issues.

My childhood records disappeared years ago, but Herbert the Snail’s message lives on. Spending time developing patience is certainly worth our time.

How Patient Are You?

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Are you a patient person?

Some of us are born with a longer fuse than others, but we all have our limits. Is it possible to lengthen that fuse and expand our limits? Why is patience important? I’ll be exploring answers to these questions during the next chapter in my character quest.

So, back to my first question. How patient are you?

You probably have a general idea, but it might be helpful to get an unbiased assessment. Feel free to ask others, but be prepared in case the truth hurts. Another option is to take a patience quiz. There are numerous free quizzes available on line. I tried quite a few. One that was short (only 10 questions) and interesting was:

http://quizlady.com/how-patient-are-you/?r=2q360

Here’s another one that is decent for teens (and only 12 questions):

http://www.gotoquiz.com/how_patient_are_you_5

These aren’t deep quizzes, but they’re helpful  getting us to take a closer look at ourselves.

I’ve found I’m patient with day –to –day living, but struggle staying patient with major life events. I can hold my tongue when someone is rude, wait in lines without being whiney, and work hard for something that doesn’t pay off right away. Goodness knows, my job also requires a truckload of patience. I love the autistic students I work with—I really do—but I constantly have to remain calm when they throw tantrums. I have to patiently model correct responses while they scream, kick, and hit, reminding myself that their senses are on overload and they don’t naturally know how to release their frustration. By the end of each day, I am completely exhausted from the effort. Patient? Yes, I have to be patient. But when it comes to life events, I struggle to wait. I’m a planner and it drove me crazy when my kids were born years off schedule. It’s so hard for me to just wait to see what the future holds. A hazy career path is torture.

Do we just have to accept our current patience level? I don’t think so. Stick with me over the next few weeks, and we’ll see if we can lengthen that fuse and expand our limits.

Unbidden

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depressed-girl

Strip away the facts and advice that we’ve covered over the last few months. Here are my deepest thoughts on my character quest for a positive attitude.

UNBIDDEN
©Tami Brumbaugh

Unbidden
Dreary thoughts creep through open windows
Innocent-looking pests
Needing a place to rest
I’m a reluctant host
But offer them a room.
“Just for the night,” I state.
They unpack their bags overflowing with discontent, comparisons, and injustice
Burrowing

Unwelcome
Depressing thoughts awaken and slither from their beds
Disguised pests
Now wanting food to eat
I’m a hesitant host
But seat them at my table
“Just one meal,” I say.
They nibble at my tranquility, and sneak second helpings of my joy
Devouring

Unwanted
Dismal thoughts stalk from the table
Concerning pests
Demanding entertainment
I’m an accommodating host
And share my deepest desires
“Just don’t get too comfortable,” I beg.
They kick off their shoes, splattering mud on my hopes and dreams
Wrecking

“Just wait a minute,” I protest.
“You don’t own this place. It’s time for you to leave.”
Their façade drops to the floor like empty promises
They snarl and sprout tentacles that latch onto my soul
Siphoning

“Just try to make us,” they taunt.
They hang my disappointments under bright lights and read them to me one by one
I turn away in agony, but they pursue
Shoving my failures into my face with such force I fall backwards
Banging my head against the wall
Bleeding

Unnerved
I retreat to my room
Locking the door and turning off the light
I curl into a ball on the floor
Wallowing in misery
Letting the happiness drain from my wound unchecked
Depression seeps under the door
Saturating my socks and creeping up to my heart
I watch in horrified fascination
My arms hanging limp at my sides
Useless appendages failing to come to my aid
Drowning

Unexpected
Encouraging refrains of a song tap at the window
Subtle words
Eager to soothe
I’m a wounded host
Unable to offer them a room
“Just let me fade,” I cry.
They mop up the depression and bandage my wounds with peace
Healing

Undeserved
Uplifting refrains turn on the lights and point out my blessings
Reflective words
Reminding me of the good
I’m a cautious host
And uncoil from my ball.
“Just help me up,” I plead.
They grasp my hands and pull me to my feet, offering a shoulder to lean on.
Strengthening

Unconditional
Inspiring refrains steer my eyes off myself so I can see others
Optimistic words
Reminding me of my purpose
I’m an invigorated host.
And throw open the room’s door
“Just watch me now,” I exclaim.
I chase the destructive thoughts out of my mind, spraying air freshener to remove their stench.
Growing

When the destructive thoughts return
Pounding at the door with calloused fists
I will point to my ‘No Soliciting’ sign
The sullen pests may yell and threaten
But they are banished
Undone
Drowned out by illuminating refrains
Affirmative words from songs, scripture, supporters
Feeding my soul
Bidden
Welcome
Wanted

Positive Attitude Action Plan

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After 16 weeks of striving to develop a positive attitude, I’ve found that it still doesn’t come easily, but it is coming easier. I hope it’s easier for you to be positive as well. If you missed any of my blogs on the subject, please refer back to my website at www.TamiBrumbaugh.com.

Here is a review of the main points we practiced and my plan for keeping it going.

  1. Stop the stinking thinking. You have control over your thoughts. Catch them before they get off track and send you into a spiral. MY PLAN: When a negative thought pops into my head I realize it, grab it, and tell myself to be done with it.
  2. Replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. Count your blessings. What are you thankful for? MY PLAN: My family and I are still writing blessings on small pieces of paper and placing them into our Blessing Jar. We will read them on Thanksgiving.
  3. Accept that life isn’t fair and move on. God will help you through it. MY PLAN: I will remember that fair doesn’t mean equal, and that comparing myself to others will only make me unhappy.
  4. Get exercise. Release those endorphins. A workout or a walk outside can do wonders. MY PLAN: In addition to my regular walks and workouts, I am still doing yoga moves whenever I have a spare moment.
  5. Find a way to help others. It gets your mind off yourself. MY PLAN: I refer back to the list of 30 ways to focus on others whenever I am struggling for ideas.
  6. Stop whining and complaining. It brings others down. MY PLAN: I use the Complaint Vent Journal when I need to whine a bit.
  7. Pump in the good. Listen to positive music. Read a positive book. Talk to a positive person. Pray. MY PLAN: I’ve put the 25 songs with positive messages on my phone, and hope to add more as I stumble across them.

For those of you who have mastered all seven suggestions, God bless you. For the rest of us mere mortals, keep striving. With continual effort, we can become positive people.

25 Songs to Get Stuck in Your Head

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Have you ever had lyrics to a song get stuck in your head…all day…sometimes even at night? I have. Often it’s little kid songs from my time in the classroom. “Five Little Monkeys” and “Wheels on the Bus” are hard to shake.

What an easy and powerful way to get positive messages to permeate your brain. An uplifting song filling my car on the way to work helps me get the day off to a good start. Positive songs can also help our kids. Instead of listening to songs about depression, money, drugs, and sex, they can pump in music with encouraging messages. Our lectures may often go in one ear and out the other, but a good song is likely to stay in their minds and percolate.

Here is a list of songs in a variety of styles (some old, some new) with positive messages that are worthy of being stuck in our heads.

  1. “Beautiful Day” by U2
  2. “Brave” by Sara Bareilles
  3. “Stronger” (What Doesn’t Kill You) by Kelly Clarkson
  4. “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong
  5. “Best Day of My Life” by American Authors
  6. “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield
  7. “Happy” by Pharrell Williams
  8. “All You Need is Love” by The Beatles
  9. “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley
  10. “Who Says” by Selena Gomez & The Scene
  11. “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera
  12. “Don’t You Worry Child” by Swedish House Mafia
  13. “Don’t Stop Believin'” by Journey
  14. “Skyscraper” by Demi Lovato
  15. “Crazy Dreams” by Carrie Underwood
  16. “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten
  17. “Stronger” by Mandisa
  18. “Get Back Up” by Toby Mac
  19. “Gold” by Britt Nicole
  20. “Free to Be Me” by Francesca Battistelli
  21. “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield
  22. “It’s a Beautiful Day” by Jamie Grace
  23. “Move” by Mercy Me
  24. “Strong Enough” by Matthew West
  25. “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and The Waves

Pump in the Good

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Chain reaction tantrums in the autism classroom can be overwhelming. There are times where one child’s screams can set off even the calmest classmate and it’s hard to regain instructional control. When the tension is mounting, we dim the lights and turn on the music. Soothing melodies mingle with the yelling until eventually the cries diminish and peace is restored.

After being a music teacher and a private piano teacher for many years, I’ve witnessed and experienced the influence of music. But the power of music is also based on fact. Studies show that soothing music helps your body release serotonin (a hormone that increases happiness and a sense of well-being), dopamine (a neurotransmitter that makes you feel good), and norepinephrine (a hormone that brings about euphoria).

Here’s the point where we should be careful. Music has grown very diverse. There is a style bound to please everyone. I enjoy a wide variety, and listen to different music for different situations. But have you ever listened to a song that brought you down low? There are some songs that pound in lyrics filled with despair and negative thoughts. I’ve deleted discouraging/degrading songs off my daughters’ sound cloud—losing parenting points from them I’m sure. Why pump in something that will weigh us down and add to depression?

Music isn’t the only thing that has amazing potential if we use good judgment. Books and people have the power to be uplifting (or depressing) as well. I’m thankful that there are self-help books for nearly every problem I could encounter. Non-fiction and fiction can both encourage (or discourage) us. I’m also grateful for all of the positive people in my life who rub off on me. I need to seek them out even more. People with negative attitudes are infectious too, so I strive to avoid absorbing their discontent.

Now it’s time to unwind with some classical music. Maybe it will get the “A is for Apple” song from the autism room out of my head.

 

 

 

Complaint Vent Journal

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complaint-vent-journal-cover

I knew complaining was going to be a hard habit to break, so I figured extra motivation was required. A visual reminder was what I needed to keep my goal front and center, so maybe it will help you, too. Last week I mentioned seven methods to decrease complaining. I’ll list them again in case you need them.

  1. Tell close family or friends about your decrease whining goal so you are held accountable.
  2. Transform complaints into solutions. If there is something that will help the problem—do it.
  3. Change “have to” to “get to”.
  4. When you discover yourself whining, add a “but” and say something positive.
  5. Distance yourself from chronic complainers. (At least during your own complaint detox.)
  6. If you must vent, do it on paper so it doesn’t affect others.
  7. Don’t give up if you don’t suddenly stop whining. Keep trying.

I didn’t want these to be empty words that sat on the page, so I determined to put them into action. I followed step one and told my family that my goal was to cut down my complaining. (They probably were cheering, but had the common sense not to do it out loud in my presence.)

I then made a Complaint Vent Journal. It started out as a plain notebook with “Complaint Vent Journal” scrawled across the top, which should be good enough. The crafty side of me craved more, plus I had trouble remembering steps two through four, so I pasted them to the cover (along with a couple other complaint reminders).

Whenever my insides started boiling, I pulled out my journal and began venting. I enjoy journaling at night, but this was a place for me to be as negative as I needed throughout the day. Here’s where my mind training came in to play. After my rant, I chose one step from the journal cover. When I transformed a complaint into a solution, my vent about the lack of a traffic light on the corner of 159th street that caused an extremely long line of traffic, was followed by a plan to drive an alternate route. I changed a “have to” to “get to” by changing that I “have to” cook dinner each night to I “get to” cook dinner for my family. I’m blessed with plenty of food and a family to share it with.  I added a “but” with something positive when writing about the exhaustion I felt each day after work “but” I get to make a difference in the lives of autistic kids and earn an income.

Yes, it took extra time, but it was worth the effort. I tallied my complaints at the top of the page for each day. There was a significant decrease by the end of the week. You’re welcome, family.

 

7 Ways to Slash Complaining

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slash-complaining

At dinner last night, my husband asked, “How was everyone’s day?” We go through this routine almost every night.

I couldn’t wait until it was my turn. I craved a chance to vent about my long list of troubles. “There was a substitute bus driver and he didn’t stop, so I had to chase him to get your daughter to school. Then traffic was crazy, and when I finally got to work I realized I forgot my lunch, so all that work packing it was a waste of time. Okay, it was just a yogurt and crackers because I was rushed, but still. And then one of our autistic students had a meltdown because I broke his piece of bread in half and he prefers it whole, and so most alexander-book-picof the other kids started screaming because of the noise…” On and on I ranted. It was seriously a case of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day spewing from my mouth.

 

I felt a little better after my tirade, but I noticed the damper I inflicted on dinner. I don’t like when my kids whine or complain, and yet here I was sucking the joy out of the room. Later that evening, I reflected on how my family and I could cut back on whining. Here are the seven methods I plan to use.

  1. Tell close family or friends about your decrease whining goal so you’re held accountable.
  2. Transform complaints into solutions. If there is something that will help the problem—do it.
  3. Change “have to” to “get to”.
  4. When you discover yourself whining, add a “but” and say something positive.
  5. Distance yourself from chronic complainers. (At least during your own complaint detox.)
  6. If you must vent, do it on paper so it doesn’t affect others.
  7. Don’t give up if you don’t suddenly stop whining. Keep trying.

I hope some of you will join me in this complaint slashing adventure. We have the power to make people actually glad they asked, “How was your day?”

30 Ways to Focus on Others

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Sometimes ways to help others just occur naturally. If I see a lady juggling a baby, a diaper bag, and a fussy toddler and she’s approaching a door, I will instinctively open the door for her. I remember what it was like to wish I had three hands. Maybe you do, too.

There are times, however, when I want to keep my eyes off myself, but I just don’t have ideas bubbling through my brain on how to make a positive difference. I may not always have the time or the resources to go on a mission trip to Africa, but I can always offer a bit of sunshine. I decided that a list might inspire me when I’m stumped for ideas. Maybe the list will inspire you as well.

  1. Find someone at work or school who looks lonely and talk to them.
  2. If you’re sitting waiting your turn to eat at a restaurant, give your seat to someone else.
  3. Compliment someone.
  4. Give someone a hug.
  5. Contact someone who you haven’t reached in years.
  6. Let a car enter in front of your car.
  7. Pick up litter during your walk.
  8. Offer your change to someone who comes up short in the check-out line.
  9. Volunteer at a charity.
  10. Actively listen to someone, even if they are talking for a long time.
  11. Donate blood.
  12. Try to grow extra in your garden so you can give some fresh food away.
  13. Assist someone who looks lost.
  14. Donate clothing or other items to a charity.
  15. Visit someone who lives alone.
  16. Mow someone’s yard.
  17. Shovel the snow out of someone’s driveway.
  18. Give a family member breakfast in bed.
  19. Bake a treat for a neighbor or a friend.
  20. Forgive anyone who has wronged you.
  21. Do a chore you don’t normally do.
  22. Make an extra effort to orient and include someone new.
  23. Send an encouraging text, email, or letter.
  24. Remember to wish someone happy birthday on time.
  25. Thank service men for their sacrifice.
  26. Clean up after yourself.
  27. Use any resources you have to help someone find a job.
  28. Call someone by name.
  29. Include everyone in the room.
  30. Smile.

Simple ideas really, but they can get your ideas flowing. Now it’s time to work in my garden so I have veggies to share. If only the squirrels and rabbits understood that I can’t share with other people if they eat everything.