Tag Archives: character quest

Gushing From Your Mouth

Posted on by

I know I shared a poem in my last blog, but I have one more poem to wrap up the time we’ve spent on active listening.  Maybe it will help you remember to use body language to show you’re listening. Active listening is truly a gift we can give to show others they are valued and we care.

LISTEN
©Tami Brumbaugh

Usually your quick wit is captivating
Gushing from your mouth like a compelling waterfall
I smile, eager to be pulled into the current

Often your words are soothing
Showering my parched soul with much needed rain
I uncross my arms, grateful to soak in every drop

Sometimes your discussion is informative
Spouting like a fountain of knowledge
I lean forward, inspired to dip my bucket for future use

Occasionally your chatter is repetitious
Flowing endlessly like a faucet with no shut-off valve
I nod, saturated but wringing out my clothes to take in more

Sporadically you complain or vent
Spewing unchecked from a broken pipe
I mirror your expression, sopping wet but determined to endure the storm

Through it all
You are worthy of my full attention
The world can wait
So let the words flow
I will listen

Interrupted

Posted on by

Have you ever been interrupted? If not, I must admit I’m in shock. If so, I know all too well how that feels. Usually we can just blow it off and move on, but repeated interruptions are discouraging. Here is a short poem I wrote after an interruption that stung. Maybe this will provide words for you to vent about interruption frustrations as well. I hope it will also be a reminder for us to be careful not to interrupt others. Although interruptions are seldom intentional, they can still cause pain.

INTERRUPTED
©Tami Brumbaugh

I was mid-sentence
But you didn’t notice.
The remaining words
Toppled from my lips to the floor
Trampled by your dominant speech.

Experience kept my smile in place.
I swept my disappointment
Under the floor boards
But felt insignificance crawl out
And consume me.

I will listen to your story
And file mine away
But a stuffed drawer may cease to open.

Interrupting people seems so innocent. We sometimes do it without even noticing. At best it annoys others, but it can also hurt people—especially if it happens frequently.  With a little effort we can avoid interrupting (refer back to my post from February 21st—Listen to ME) and become an active listener.

Chicken Volcano

Posted on by

Can you imagine a world where all of us were active listeners and we never interrupted each other? Interrupting is a hard habit to break, so it’s worth the effort to teach our children and students not to interrupt before those bad habits develop.

I found two children’s books that communicate the non-interrupting message, but have great illustrations and are fun to read. Maybe you can use them in your home or classroom.

The first is Interrupting Chicken by David Ezra Stein. It received a Caldecott Honor in 2011. This picture book is about story time in a chicken household. Papa reminds his little chick not to interrupt, but she can’t help herself. She jumps in on every familiar fairy tale he reads, trying to save the characters from doing something dangerous or silly. When it’s finally the chick’s turn to tell a story, Papa does his own kind of interrupting.

A second helpful book is My Mouth is a Volcano written by Julia Cook and illustrated by Carrie Hartman. A little boy named Louis has thoughts that just erupt out of his mouth, interrupting others. He learns a technique to capture his thoughts and respect others by listening and waiting for his turn to speak.

Reading books like these about interrupting may make a longer-lasting impression than a lecture alone. You may need to read them over and over, but you’re developing a mindset that friends and family will appreciate for years to come. (And soon you may be able to get through each book without being interrupted!)

Jotting Notes

Posted on by

Active listening is all about keying in to the speaker and letting him or her feel like you value what they are saying. You can practice active listening anywhere and in any relationship. During this blog series, I talked about active listening on several fronts. I found this post the other day and thought maybe you or someone you know can relate to it.

 

 

Mmm Hmm

Posted on by

One of the greatest gifts we can give to each other is to be an active listener. When I walk away from a conversation knowing that I was truly heard, I feel valued and my confidence grows. If I was having a dark day, it becomes brighter.

When my teenagers talk to me, I can chose to give distracted, small effort answers, or make a concerted effort to show that I’m listening. My choice influences whether they continue to open up to me. All too soon they will graduate and move out on their own. I want to make the most of our conversations. While I’m at it, I will strive to become a better listener when communicating with people of every age. Care to join me?

Here are 7 verbal active listening skills:

  1. Give verbal reinforcement
    “Yes,” “Mmm hmm”
  1. Reflect by paraphrasing
    “What I’m hearing is…” and “Sounds like you are saying…”
  1. Attempt summarizing
    Take main points of the message and reiterate them in a clear way
  1. Ask questions for clarification
    “What do you mean when you say…” and “Is this what you mean?”
  1. Respond respectfully
    Be open and honest. If you need to give your opinion, do it respectfully.
  1. Remember key points
    Bring them up in future conversations
  1. Attribute their ideas when speaking to others
    “Actually, I heard _____ say it. She’s so clever!”

Listen to ME

Posted on by

Drop everything right now and listen to me! I have something to say that’s more important than whatever you’re doing or saying.

Rude, right? Were you annoyed with me for a moment? (Maybe you still are.)

That is essentially what we’re saying when we interrupt someone. Most of the time we really aren’t thinking that way, but that’s what interruptions communicate.

Has someone ever interrupted you? Frustrating, right? It can make you feel trampled or that what you had to say wasn’t important. I know some people who want to be the one to share stories or news, and even if I begin talking first, they have to jump in. Grrr. If someone is a habitual interrupter, I’m not eager to spend time with them. (Or I tend to talk faster, so I have a chance to finish my thought before being cut off.)

Have you ever interrupted someone? I’m not a loud person, but I know I’ve still been guilty of interrupting. Ugh. I’m not sure why it happens. Maybe someone is stumbling around and I think I know where the speaker is going and that I can get there faster. Or maybe I get so caught up in the thought bubbling around in my head that I stop listening and start talking instead. Whatever the reason, it’s selfish and condescending, so I don’t want it to become a habit.

Here are 7 ways to avoid interrupting:

  1. Catch yourself in the act. Stop yourself and apologize.
  2. Post reminders to let others finish talking at your table, desk, and on your phone.
  3. Ask friends and family to let you know when you cut them off.
  4. Write down what you want to say if you’re afraid you’ll forget before your turn to talk. (Only in situations where this doesn’t appear rude.)
  5. Force yourself to listen without thinking about a response.
  6. Recall times when others have interrupted you, and think about how it felt.
  7. Reward yourself when you go a day without interrupting people.

Now feel free to continue what you were doing before I so rudely interrupted you.

Body Language Blunders

Posted on by

I crossed my arms and started rubbing them, trying to calm the goose bumps sprouting on my skin. If my jaws weren’t clamped tight they probably would have been chattering. A sweater would have been smart. And a coat. And a blanket. They should not let men in thick suits set the thermostat.

I tried to smile at the speaker, but guessed that it looked more like a grimace. My shoulder muscles tightened as I shivered. I pulled out my phone to check the time. Another hour until I could escape to my car and crank up the heat. I sighed. I’d looked forward to this conference, but I was too cold to focus.

Time crept by. After more periodic glances at my phone, I was relieved to hear the speaker make closing statements. I gathered my belongings and made a dash for the door.

“Tami, wait up!”

Drat. My heater would have to wait. I turned and plastered a smile on my face. “Hey. I’m glad you made it.”

“Me too. I wound up taking quite a few notes. Maybe you’ll enjoy the speaker more next time. Some people say you have to get used to his style.”

“What?” I rubbed my arms again. “The speaker was fine.”

“Oh. Well, it looked like you weren’t a fan. So will I see you tomorrow?”

“You bet.” I hustled to my car and waited impatiently for the heater to begin spurting warm air so I could thaw. My mind began replaying the conference, trying to find how I had given off the wrong vibe. My heart sank. In my struggle to endure the cold, I’d allowed my body language to send the wrong signals.

Here are 7 types of attentive body language that I will be careful to use in the future.

  1. Face the speaker
  2. Turn off technology
  3. Maintain eye contact
  4. Lean forward
  5. Keep arms uncrossed
  6. Smile or mirror the speaker’s facial expressions to show sympathy and empathy
  7. Nod occasionally

For the next conference, maybe I really will bring a blanket. I have a feeling the person setting the thermostat wasn’t attentive to my body language.

Listening & Deflated Bread

Posted on by

My pumpkin bread recipe has fingerprints and batter splatters on it from years and years of use. I nearly have it memorized. But I have learned I can’t actively listen to someone and bake the sweat treat at the same time.

My guests often request pumpkin bread for breakfast, so during my brother-in-law’s most recent visit, I began measuring the flour and spices.  He chatted away, sitting on a bar stool in the kitchen. I contributed to the conversation and gave him as much eye contact as I could manage while stirring.

When I pulled the baked bread out of the oven, it resembled a deflated football. I scanned the recipe and realized I had forgotten the eggs. Ugh! I have since learned that my tired brain does better when I give people my undivided attention. I know this isn’t always possible because we have to cram so much into each day. Mom’s in particular have to become expert multi-taskers. But make every effort to truly focus on the speaker. It strengthens relationships because we are showing friends and family that we value what they are saying. (And because we don’t have to serve them pathetic-looking pumpkin bread.)

Here are 7 Ways to give your undivided attention:

  1. Put the devices away. Turn your phone face-down or in your pocket so you aren’t tempted to look at it. Close your laptop or turn away from your computer.
  2. Don’t multi-task. The long “to do” list can usually wait.
  3. Face the person who is speaking. It makes them feel important and helps you stay focused.
  4. Control your hands. Avoid doodling, playing with your hair, or fidgeting.
  5. Listen before speaking. Absorb what is being said instead of thinking about what you will say.
  6. Avoid interruptions. Silence your phone—including email and text alerts.
  7. Control your mind. Keep it from drifting to future plans or past events.

Just Listen

Posted on by

I stopped mid-sentence.

Was he even listening to me? His eyes were scrolling text messages on his phone, and he didn’t seem to notice that my mouth was now clamped shut. I’d been in the middle of answering his question for crying out loud.

I scowled and began talking again. “So I decided to take a month off work to hitch-hike and swim until I reached Australia so I could finally find a blue-ringed octopus for Hannah though if it bit me I’d be paralyzed for the rest of the day but that would give me time to think about my next book and give you time to paint the house a bright pink. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“And when I get back I thought I’d finally get Cheyenne a Siberian Husky friend and put you in charge of training it and then we’d start having spinach every night because I know how much you love eating it—”

He looked up suddenly. “What was that?”

Ever been there? I hate to admit it, but I’ve also been the one who wasn’t truly listening. I’m currently trying to work on being an active listener.

Last week I shared a “Personal Inventory” list of questions to trigger more communication with family members. Hopefully conversation is flowing with your loved ones. Here are some active listening skills we can use to keep it going.

  1. Give your undivided attention
  2. Use attentive body language
  3. Avoid interrupting
  4. Give verbal reinforcement
  5. Ask questions for clarification
  6. Reflect by paraphrasing or summarizing
  7. Respond respectfully

I’ll dig into each of these skills deeper in the weeks to come. I need to stop for now as my daughter is talking to me and I need to follow my own advice by actively listening.

Family Discussion

Posted on by

“How was school?”
“Okay.”
“What did you do?”
“Nothing.”
“Anything interesting happen?”
“Not really.”

Have you ever had discussions with your child that resembled this one? Now that my kids are teens, I sometimes feel like I need pliers to get more out of them. There are days where they talk…and talk…and talk, but recently we hit a drought. I decided we needed help instigating discussion.

During the last three-day weekend, I gave each member of my family a two-page “Personal Inventory” questionnaire. I told them they could work on it when it worked best for them, but we would discuss it that evening. I was pleasantly surprised my family complied without complaint. I curled up under the covers with some hot tea and completed my own homework assignment.

Later that night, we had a deep, three-hour bonding time that gave me helpful insight. The only criticism was that there were too many questions. I condensed the inventory into one page and will now share it with you. Hopefully it will lead you into a deep conversation with your family. Feel free to tweak and customize it as needed.

Week 29–PERSONAL INVENTORY short version