Have you ever been caught in the “keeping life fair” whirlpool? It’s exhausting.

As a parent, I want to be fair and try to keep everything equal for my kids. At Christmas, I make sure my kids have the same number of presents to open, and that the grand total of the presents is the same. I follow the clever bit of advice about having one child split a treat, and the other child choosing the half they want.

When I taught music, I was careful to make sure everyone got to play an instrument and had a special part in a musical. I recorded every time a student got to lead the class in movement to a song by our Composer of the Month.

No matter what I tried, there were times where my kids or students would still declare, “That’s not fair!

And then I began to evaluate what it really meant to be fair. After reading books and articles, I came to realize that fair does not necessarily mean equal. Being fair is more about doing what each child needs at that time. Sometimes this means delayed gratification.

If one of my kids has outgrown her shoes, do I need to take both kids shoe shopping? No. My other child can wait until her own shoes are too small. Do I hear complaints about this? Sometimes, but it’s becoming less common.

If I give the largest xylophone to a student with fine motor skill challenges, do I have to make sure everyone else gets a turn on that same instrument? No. They can play on different instruments. Will they complain? At first, but the ability to wait or deal with disappointment builds over time.

We need to teach kids that our life isn’t about everything being equal. If they fixate on comparing what they have with what someone else has, they will be depressed. (Let’s be real—this is something we struggle with as adults, too.) We need to make the most out of our situation, and then be happy with the life we have, whether it’s equal or not.

I’m ready to escape the “keeping life fair” whirlpool. Good thing it doesn’t actually require swimming skills, because Lord help me, I’d drown.